my crazies

ohhh these hormones have me by the proverbial balz this time around.
I am a happykate in my natural state, this? this part of my cycle is all sad and questioning and raw.
BUT I know what it is this time, so this time I am not thinking it is me. And this is such a relief.

Woke up raw and horrid, so I hiked a beautiful hike under an unbelievable blue sky, and felt pretty good until I met up with a guy with a shot gun, oh yeah, hunting season, how shitty... then worked in the yard with my darlin' in a bright orange vest, then met up with my dear friend David for tea and conversation and a walk with sunshine on my face. It was fun to see the trees stripped down to fruit and seed-- so many beautiful textures, crabapples, ornamental oak leaves, seed pods....

Tomorrow I head up north for an 8:30 appointment, so I have to be up at 6 or before. Somewhere in there I will do the injections-- at this point I am hoping I will be there early enough to do it there instead of en route. Morning is two vials of menopur and one follistim, so there is mixing. And now there is my Ganirelix syringe swap too. I will take their advice most likely, but if there are more than 4 I will try for IVF I think-- here is why: I have not been able to stim two months in a row since I have had leftover cysts each time... so it is one month on, one month off... and this month is November, so December would be off, and then there could be a cycle in January and that would be my last IVF at Dartmouth-- February I turn 43. So this month? I should do everything I can.. simply because I will only have this cycle and maybe just one more before my birthday.

BUT this will turn out however it does.

And in the meantime, just like in those old innocent days when I thought I was insane but it was the clomid, this time I know I feel like shit because of the hormones. So I know this is not a good time to make big changes or begin to question my choices. Now is a good time to coast and stay peaceful and as separate as possible from the crazies.

Those? over there? wreaking havoc with the clothes rack? yeah, those are mine, they're my crazies....yeah, you know what can I do? they're at THAT age...

4

So the ultrasound showed I have four follicles that are developing and above 10mm, one perhaps too quickly (one already 14mm, others at 12, 11, 10, up to 6 much smaller ones) so I started Ganirelix today. No E2 level yet- they will call later I am sure.

I go back on monday for a redo-

If the lead continues to lead-- well, then we'll do an IUI for sure.

But if the others come along too and I have 4, I meet the criterial for an IVF... but I wonder- should I spend the money on that procedure with so few to work with? Or just do an IUI and hope for more next time? Lots of competing issues on this one. So, I will wait and see what monday brings and make the best decision I can at the time.

So, I hate the Ganirelix shots, those horrible needles are so dull, and the shots just simply hurt for me-- so I decided to sacrifice some of my other syringes and needles (I have plenty)--- dispensed it into a syringe with the plunger pulled down, put on my usual injecting needle and voila! A painless Ganirelix shot, I am sure I never thought I would say that.

of course, now I worry, did I fuck something up by exposing it to air instead of directly to my belly fat? Ahhhhhhh sure do love this whole damn thing.

I am sitting in my orange room (no kidding, it is orange) with big windows and light streaming in. I just got home a short while ago and feel the conflict of housework vs yardwork. Inside or out. Sunlight exposes my lax housekeeping for the past month (ewww) and the fact that the cat does indeed continue to shed. But the sunlight is calling me out. I think I will let it win for at least a little while. Out I go.

My 10 seconds today? Sunlight in woods, amber colored oak leaves the size of my hands placed end to end, and soon? the rustling sound of leaves being raked and the smell of the earth.

partially un-eclipsed

Better today in some ways, I feel halfway out of that shitty place, partially un-eclipsed, half bounced. But gosh, I am raw, nerve-exposed, quick to blue... Gotta LOVE these hormones. Oh yeah.
I feel hijacked, I was heading for St. Croix (I WISH) and ended up in Hoboken.

So-- in trying to stay (or get) centered-- my most recent 10 seconds of beauty was watching the shadows of the leaves flicker on the wall here, through the vertical blinds. The sun was just right, reflected off of the windshields in the parking lot (romantic, eh?) and inside near me on the wall, the shadows danced. It only lasted a few minutes, but it was delightful.

The trees right outside the office are still in leaf, gorgeous burgundy and raspberry shiny leaves, and each branch seemed to change on its own time so some are bare, some are brilliant and some are just turning.

Tomorrow morning I get an ultrasound/E2. I feel *full*, especially on the right side, so I am hoping that this is going well, but not too fast. This is only day 4 and I am not used to feeling like this. Hello right ovary! I am looking forward to feeling hopeful. Beloved Maredsous is right, I must have some faith in this otherwise why do it? And she is right, I believe it *can* work. And because it can and might, I have to try. I'll update after tomorrow's appointment.

I'm a bumble

So, I am standing in the restaurant bathroom and my eyes meet my eyes in the mirror and I am standing with my shirt pulled up and my pants pulled down and a pinch of fat between my fingers and a syringe in my hand I cannot really say I recognize that person, it seems so surreal. And yet....

And yet, here I go again. Can I confess something? This time feels a bit like "whatever"-- inevitability tinged with futility, must do it, just to have done it, managing my future regret.

I sure as hell hope that by some miracle, on saturday when we look for follicle growth, that there'll be lots and they'll be happy looking and that somehow I will turn the corner from this semi-defeatist attitude toward something more positive. It is not that I am devoid of hope, it is just that this feels so distant and I have to dig down to get to hope, and it is kind of yellowed and curling at the corners.

I imagine that I will be fine, maybe even tomorrow, I will wake up to frost sparkling and somehow be reattached to rightnow in a way that feels better. I know attitude matters, but shit.

I feel crappy about feeling crappy, know it will pass (it always does), remind myself of the mindfuck that is DHEA, of the sub conscious impact of the sore belly, of the clock watching, of the awareness in most moments of what comes next, which shots, what time, which appointment, when.... it is consuming.

Yeah, that kind of mood.

But, no worries! Tomorrow I will wake up fine. I know it. I do that. I bounce.

the short of it

I am happy to report that we're on for this cycle, there was no cyst (praise the gods/goddess/all-that-is), and stims (my usual antagon protocol) started tonight. I had only 9 resting follicles but that is a whole lot better than none. And it sure is better than one big cyst.

An acupuncture session this evening left me edgy and off center and pms-ish (anyone else had this happen?) but I am a little more settled now. Wishing for a much longer evening, but it is time for bed.

Since last I checked in with my long blog list, babies have been born, pregnancies begun, and life just moves so quickly. I am sorry I have been so intermittent in my checking in.

I found I was coming home from work and losing myself in the internet-- reading and catching up and commenting and blog hopping, and then suddenly it was time for bed and I did not feel that I had really been here,had not really been present or connecting with my sweetie. So I am trying to do this in smaller bites. While I do check on some of my posse daily when I can, my blog list is long and filled with wonderful people, but I just cannot keep up the way I was.

So, please forgive me, I certainly care and hope and celebrate, but I may stumble across your news after the fact. I am trying to find balance in all of this, but I admit: I am still looking for it.

cusps

Hello everyone.

I'll begin with the latest great news about my baby cousin- she is home and well and miraculous. How extraordinary, this ordinariness.

I am reading a Book-- Night Train to Lisbon-- all about identity, how we define ourselves, and what defines us. If you are not at midlife I am not sure I would recommend this one. And if you are content, do not open it. It rakes coals and will fuck with your sleep and equilibrium. David, read it at your own risk.

I saw a great documentary that I loved-- any one out there interested in indie/offbeat music, the documentary was on pbs and called Nowhere Now about the joshua tree music scene- amazing music and a peek into a wild vast rugged landscape and some intense creativity...

I've had a few big conversations, the kind that change things, that make you wonder and question and you cannot go back and unhave them. Some have been with people I have known a long while, some with near strangers, some have been shitty, some have been great. All of them Matter...

My trip went well in California that reminded me of pieces of myself I like and have missed for a long time, and I had a great visit with my dad in snowcovered Colorado under such a big wide sky.

Now I am home and bleary with travel and time changes and sudden dark and leafless trees. The moon is huge and high tonight, spooky behind high clouds and fingery bare branches.

And me? My day 2 scan is tomorrow, cyst to be aspirated if it is still there. And then we simply move forward with this new cycle and hope.

gratitude

THANK YOU
thank you thank you thank you for your warm wishes, your prayers and your hopes-- the little one is doing better and was held today for the first time by her parents-- I cannot imagine how they felt waiting those long 5 days to have that moment, and am just so grateful to the universe that it was possible. It was a milestone in every way.

Some of you asked what went wrong and while I would love to answer- I do not entirely know and have intuited somewhat belatedly that I should respect the privacy of my cousin with what I do know. So, you are all wonderful and thank you. What a shitty few days. I know there are hard days ahead, at least 2 more weeks in the hospital, but improvement in her means improvement in the spirit of all of us. And many of us gathered today to celebrate my grandmother's 90th birthday.

I am off to california tomorrow for the week-- Phoebe-- I would love to see you and will write to see if we can figure something out. I'll be with my dad for just a day and a half, so I am not sure it will work out. I tend to stick close to him when I get the chance to be there since it is rare and always too short.

Me? infrequent but definite twinges and fingertip pressure that make me hopeful, but the stats that make me feel stupid for feeling hopeful, you know, the usual. One moment at a time. I will not pee on any sticks while I am gone, and when I get back it will be the night of 14dpo. I will be temping. We'll see.

Thank you all-- your support means the world. I've been so tangled up in that, some shitty work stuff, and travel, I have been remiss in keeping in touch with all of you and I am sorry.
I hope to do better but no matter what, I'll keep you posted on the little one.