Just got some great news from an online friend that she and her
partner are expecting--- after many many ART attempts, much shitty
attendant IF-o-rama, body uncertainty and complexity, but now.... now?
EXPECTING! I wish she had a blog so I could send you there to
celebrate with them-- so I ask you, please feel free to do so here in
the comments, I will compile anything supportive and congratulatory you
write and send her a note. For the purposes of this celebration, let's call her S. And if you've ever wanted to delurk and comment, please do so!
I'm experimenting with taking off the catpcha so you should be able to comment even from a smart phone...
I am so thrilled for them I could jump and clap, and truly feel deep joy about this success.
I love hearing happy news.
This
past week has been filled with sadness on the internet-- I keep landing
on blogs with news of loss and there is always such a horrid wash of
grief...
I feel my heart drop when someone gets a negative, or a
slow beta....and gasp aloud at the soul-deep horror of miscarriage.
(god/goddess/all-that-is).
I groove on great news and feel stricken by bad.
I
just want to say while I don't know your path... I am not you... I
have not had your specific struggles, or your specific successes.... I
do not and cannot truly understand your unique context, your unique
complexities, your hopes and dreams and history...
I can say this:
wherever you are on your path-- to parenthood, or transitioning at
midlife, or seeking your truth, I may not be able to Know or truly
Understand, but oh! I hear you.
22 May 2012
21 May 2012
Divalicious
Our first parade took place this weekend. Hot sun, high noon, wildly stimulating.
It was the kind of hot that was not fun, and felt a little dangerous.
Thank god for Doug, the backpack he was willing to wear, the stroller he was willing to push... and a short kick in the proverbial shin to anyone who planned this for noon, this CHILDREN AND THE ARTS parade, featuring tons of little kids from all of the area daycares and school programs.
Water water water, blessed shade in the park at the end of the walk.... then home to collapse on the couch.
Our daycare graciously provided the floral decorations. I'm just sayin'.
17 May 2012
thunder
I got what I wanted
low rolling thunder
wild lightning
real rain, hard rain, hear-it-on-the-roof-rain..
and today was gloriously clear with the bluest sky and a feeling like I could exhale
low rolling thunder
wild lightning
real rain, hard rain, hear-it-on-the-roof-rain..
and today was gloriously clear with the bluest sky and a feeling like I could exhale
16 May 2012
healing power of oatmeal
I am in need of a good thunderstorm... something definitive. Rolling thunder, dark dark, real rain...
Barring that, in the twilight of yet another pearly gray shadowless damp warmishsticky coolishclammy whattheheckdoIwear kind of day, I am eating a bowl of oatmeal with pumpkin pie spice, brown sugar and half a pint of organic blueberries that I know I should have washed but didn't.
Once upon a time I lived in Seattle for a year, and during that year, I prayed PRAYED for real rain. It was lovely, green, verdant, but perpetually misty. Moisture just was, it never actually fell. A bunch of months into it, I wished for thunder, for rain, for a downpour.
I've gotten wimpy: it's only been a few days of this gray, and even as a nature lover, I find this flatlighted humidity more than somewhat oppressive.
Barring that, in the twilight of yet another pearly gray shadowless damp warmishsticky coolishclammy whattheheckdoIwear kind of day, I am eating a bowl of oatmeal with pumpkin pie spice, brown sugar and half a pint of organic blueberries that I know I should have washed but didn't.Once upon a time I lived in Seattle for a year, and during that year, I prayed PRAYED for real rain. It was lovely, green, verdant, but perpetually misty. Moisture just was, it never actually fell. A bunch of months into it, I wished for thunder, for rain, for a downpour.
I've gotten wimpy: it's only been a few days of this gray, and even as a nature lover, I find this flatlighted humidity more than somewhat oppressive.
14 May 2012
complexity: mother's day after loss
This is such a complex time of year.
In this incarnation, I find myself, quite miraculously, mother to Della (among many other things)-- awesome, humbling, knee-shaking, wondrous (among many other things...)
But three years ago, we found ourselves in the midst of a missed miscarriage. The week before mother's day held our discovery that we had lost Sprout, my D&C and a grief that was so large I wondered if I would ever be ok again.
I could not imagine I would ever be ok.
When I think of Sprout, and I do, often... when I think of Sprout my heart aches for what I now know is possible (and for all I was hoping for, and all that I was celebrating and anticipating, for all that I thought might happen)
but then, on the heels of very real grief, there is this mindbender
this heart-wrench-er
this realization that if anything had been different, there would be no Della
and
that
blows my mind.
So I am sad, yes,
and complicated, yes
and happy with my life, YES
and clearly complikated
and very much many facets of kate as I think of this and feel my way through this,
this time of celebration and acknowledgement that I think should extend to all who are moms and who are waiting for their children
for me, a season of awe
and of wondering what might have been and the impossibility of what that might have meant.
In this incarnation, I find myself, quite miraculously, mother to Della (among many other things)-- awesome, humbling, knee-shaking, wondrous (among many other things...)
But three years ago, we found ourselves in the midst of a missed miscarriage. The week before mother's day held our discovery that we had lost Sprout, my D&C and a grief that was so large I wondered if I would ever be ok again.
I could not imagine I would ever be ok.
When I think of Sprout, and I do, often... when I think of Sprout my heart aches for what I now know is possible (and for all I was hoping for, and all that I was celebrating and anticipating, for all that I thought might happen)
but then, on the heels of very real grief, there is this mindbender
this heart-wrench-er
this realization that if anything had been different, there would be no Della
and
that
blows my mind.
So I am sad, yes,
and complicated, yes
and happy with my life, YES
and clearly complikated
and very much many facets of kate as I think of this and feel my way through this,
this time of celebration and acknowledgement that I think should extend to all who are moms and who are waiting for their children
for me, a season of awe
and of wondering what might have been and the impossibility of what that might have meant.
10 May 2012
18 months yesterday
18 months and I cannot quite get my head around this miniature moody teenager living in our midst....this dazzling beauty, so smart and funny, so sure of what she wants, the way she wants it, so unable to adjust to our slow rate of understanding, or, worse, getting it wrong. She is ferocious, wonderful, busy, with the biggest best smile, and wonderful snorty laugh (that's my girl). Dimples, a love of Shrek (wree) and Elmo (ELMO!), curly hair that is 8" long when stretched out that she sometimes plays with and that I play with often...
last night we lay in bed and I looked at her amazing face, right there, Right There next to mine... Sometimes I am truly breathless with wonder.
She loves to look at the moo and tars
She loves to swee (swing) and go down the slide
She loves being in the backpack on daddy Doug (back)
She loves toast (TOAST! + happy wriggly dance)
She loves finding patterns that she knows, apples, frogs, dogs, cats, cows, stars...
She loves cake, she calls it, excitedly, dirt! (dellaspeak for dessert).
She hates baths, truly...
and is not fond of diaper changes
does not like being rushed into dressing if she is not ready
will not try new foods except the rare sometimes or when daddy sneaks it in
She is not fond of the car, gets impatient with drives quickly, and sometimes fights a great big sad fight when we get in...
She runs and dances and climbs and seems fearless (oy!)
She loves being held until she doesn't.
She is tender and fierce.
She says a good firm unapologetic No, and a very happy Yes (yeah yeah yeah)
She asks about Dada when he is not home yet, or in the other room, or sleeping... and just about jumps out of her skin in happiness when he appears.
She runs toward me when I pick her up at daycare, and shows me everything. Gardens, sandbox, slide, big rock, big stumps, dirt...
Firmly into 2T clothes, size 6 shoes getting tight, and on the cusp of size 5 diapers...
Della. Wow. 18 months already. DELIGHT.
last night we lay in bed and I looked at her amazing face, right there, Right There next to mine... Sometimes I am truly breathless with wonder.
She loves to look at the moo and tars
She loves to swee (swing) and go down the slide
She loves being in the backpack on daddy Doug (back)
She loves toast (TOAST! + happy wriggly dance)
She loves finding patterns that she knows, apples, frogs, dogs, cats, cows, stars...
She loves cake, she calls it, excitedly, dirt! (dellaspeak for dessert).
She hates baths, truly...
and is not fond of diaper changes
does not like being rushed into dressing if she is not ready
will not try new foods except the rare sometimes or when daddy sneaks it in
She is not fond of the car, gets impatient with drives quickly, and sometimes fights a great big sad fight when we get in...
She runs and dances and climbs and seems fearless (oy!)
She loves being held until she doesn't.
She is tender and fierce.
She says a good firm unapologetic No, and a very happy Yes (yeah yeah yeah)
She asks about Dada when he is not home yet, or in the other room, or sleeping... and just about jumps out of her skin in happiness when he appears.
She runs toward me when I pick her up at daycare, and shows me everything. Gardens, sandbox, slide, big rock, big stumps, dirt...
Firmly into 2T clothes, size 6 shoes getting tight, and on the cusp of size 5 diapers...
Della. Wow. 18 months already. DELIGHT.
(crazy great photos by Susan Mullen www.susanmullenphotography.com/blog)
09 May 2012
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
